To Know God is to Know Yourself through His eyes and heart
There are many of us who take a look at Christianity and the complexity of information complicates our paths, in reality the Lord only wants us to know His heart. I remember being so confused by rules, opinions and regulations no human can fully follow. I do not want to say I was blinded by modern day Pharisees and their opinions, but the reality was I received too much information, and very little direction.
My life was full of questions and faulty beliefs.
The way I understood church was a basic weekly study of rules and laws to follow so we don’t end up in hell; rules that often went unfollowed anyway.
I was working under false pretenses in which I felt completely lost and useless. I was filled with these ideas that my prayers were not being answered because I was not speaking the proper words. So often I grew frustrated because I thought there had to be some magic words in Christianity that everyone knew, except for me. I often heard people say, “surrender it to God, give it to God, trust in God” Ok! Great! Would you please mind telling me how?!
I felt so lost, defeated and completely hopeless. Each time I prayed over something and yet months later still woke up to the same problem, I thought to myself how pointless prayer was. But prayer was stale behind a bleeding heart. I prayed but in passing, I prayed but not really expecting a response.
I fought myself, I fought my past, I fought God Himself- I was just filled with anger; completely convinced that God was hiding from me. Certainly God, like my earthly father was only there for His favorite children. My heart was broken, shattered into a million pieces. I carried a pain I thought would be with me forever and so often I contemplated seeing myself out of this planet. My idea of life was so bleak and I functioned under mounds of bitterness and hatred at the very thought of being forced to exist.
I carried long paragraphs of a shattered childhood, accompanied by the weight of rejection, deconstruction and a warped version of identity.
The battle was heavy. Any hope of redemption stagnant in the face of insecurity and a sense of abandonment. The journey to know the Lord was a jagged path and one in which He often offered to take the load, and in anger I refused to let Him. Exhaustion was a constant companion, one I could not shake.
Thank God for being patient. In His ever lasting love and mercy He already had a plan in store for my redemption- but I would not make it easy. Still in this path I would fight Him, and I would make it hard for new patterns and beliefs to flourish.
In fear and in the name of synthetic safety I often served as my very own stumbling block.
With the understanding that there are others walking the world the same way I did, I wanted to create a space, a world were being broken is not a sign of eternal condemnation, but an opportunity for grace to show just how good God truly is and how His love only longs to hold and love us as we are, on our journey to meeting who God created us to be.
I want to make it clear, that this blog is a shaky start, free of perfection and self wisdom, this is a step of faith to share and hope it helps anyone who see value in it.